Red Sun Rising,

Drown without inhaling;
Within, the dark holds hard.
Red sun rising,
Curtain falling.
Higher than hope my cure lies.

Mmm.
I hate getting stuck in unplesant spots.
This guy who I like as just a friend likes me still and it's been going on for like... Four years. I don't want to disregard his feelings, but I can't reciprocate them at all. Sure, I love him, but in the least amorous way possible; he's more like the brother I just can't get rid of to me.
I've known he's liked me for most of this time, but we just went through these huge gaps of not talking to each other, so I kept on hoping that maybe he'd either find a girl or move on anyway to further some sort of something like education or something equally important.
Nermeen told me to tell him to try to move on, because one-sided love isn't fair for either people involved.
Which is a very valid statement. If he keeps it up, I'll probably tell him that.
I asked Ange what to do, and she said not to worry about it too much, but worry about it just enough. And I'm wondering what that helps at all. I just feel so bad about it, you know? I really do like him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't love him or whatever back in the way he wants me to.

If there was ever a time when I missed waiterboy so hard. Even if it were just to say "I've got a crush on someone else," which, even though I totally still do [whoops.], I haven't talked to him or even seen him in well over a month, closer to two. So that's a little hard for me to explain, and even when the guy who likes me probably read about the incidents on the blog-thing, he likely laughed. He thinks I'm generally being sarcastic. I generally am, but you know what I mean. Even though I crack jokes about everything, especially things that really upset me, they still upset me, you know?
I really do want to stay this guy's friend, but I can't give him what it is he wants. He's a great guy, really, I'm just... Not interested in becoming uh... involved with him? I guess that's a good word for it. And I keep telling him and telling him, but it doesn't seem to go through his head. Sure, he can tell me he loves me, but when he's telling me to kiss him from over 9oo miles away, or even three feet away, he can just hang it up. And he knows it.

At least, I hope he does.
We'll see.
I had this huuuggeee thing about all of this written up for you last night, Alex, but I accidentally backed out of the window, so it all got erased.
Probably for the better anyway. It really was massive and I'd've felt horrible if you'd've bothered to actually read it all.
Haa.

I think I'm about to go into a Nightwish kick. High time I do it. I haven't wanted to listen to just them in a long time. Ah, silly phases.

You know what I thought would be hilarious?
Watching a guy play with a legitimate lightsaber near mirrors [Mirrors reflect, you see].
And then a locksmith locking himself out of his car.
I thought of those a few days apart, I promise. I might make a story character a locksmith who locks himself out of his car. All of the time. Just because I find the contradiction amazingly silly. :D

So, today was the first day of going into a week-long, super hardcore diet with Ange that's supposed to make me drop a bit in just a week. So, I figured it's worth a shot. I got through day one, but since it's also day one of a certain uh... Something, I've been craving every kind of food ever thought of.
Particularly cheese. Cheese dip, cheddar cheese, a sandwich with cheese, popcorn or baked potatoes with some kind of cheese something on them, macaroni and cheese, cheese ravioli, cheese bread, cheese sticks, squeaky cheese... You get the idea.
None of it is on my list of weight-loss goodies.
At around nine-thirty, I wanted it so bad I wanted to start crying. Ha!
But I didn't, and I didn't even have the cheese. I just started playing Yahtzee with Ange. Good distraction, if I do say so myself.
So, day one is through. Six more days to do. [Ha. That rhymed.] I'll be done on Friday, and then we'll see how I'm doing. I figured, though, that the plan would be a good way to kick-start weight loss of some kind, just to encourage me to keep going. I've been exercising pretty good, but there aren't enough immediate results for my amusement, so we'll see how this works out. I'll exercise during the week, too.

Wish me luck.

I got to go to Hobby Lobby today! Ange took me while we went Christmas shopping. :D My favourite store evar. I bought a new sketchbook, two new markers, and a basic set of sewing needles because I realized just a while ago that I had none to go in my little five-dollar sewing box that I got from Dollar General. And I really needed to sew a shirt back together. I still do, so I'll do that soon.
Mom's gone to a nearby hotel for the weekend as some sort of 'getaway' thing that her stupid boyfriend planned. I hope it works for her, I really do. I told her she should go by the restaurant to see if darling waiterboy hates me now, of which I don't doubt [so why do I want to find out? No clue]. She said she might. I really, really, really hope she does. You have no idea. She probably won't, but hey. I can still hope.

It's really hard to find t-shirts and bags with random phrases in foreign languages on them. I'd really like shirts and messenger bags with funny stuff in Japanese or Russian written on them, but it's really hard to find. The best I found was a shirt that said "I love vodka" in Russian, and while I do like vodka, I don't really think that a shirt that said that is quite school-appropriate. It's getting to be dissappointing. I'm tempted to hand Mom's Russian friend twenty bucks and ask if she'll find me a t-shirt when she goes to Russia again. She might would do something like that, but it'd be horribly rude to ask. I've found a shirt that said 'shut up' really rudely in Japanese, but I didn't get it because it wasn't that funny. Silly, sure, but only if no one around you understands what the shirt says.
I guess I really wouldn't have a problem.
I've also found shirts with the hammer and sickle symbol on it. I considered getting it, just because I love reading about the Soviet history, but it'd not mean I supported it. I'm sure some people would mistake my love for the past as my plans for the future, though, and, knowing my luck, I would become the victim of some sort of Communist hate-crime.

I'll stop here, though, because I really don't like talking about myself that much. And it's bed time, because the exhaustion is setting in.
Goodnight.