It all starts with a lullabye.
So, I went to the restaurant today.
I was shaking when I walked in. I thought his car was there, but I'm beginning to think that it might not be his car, but whoever's he's related to in there. I shook for a solid ten minutes until I realised something.
He wasn't there.
A bullet dodged.
But also a bullet taken. I wanted him to at least be there so he could spend his entire time avoiding me or something. At the same time, I also wanted him to not be there, as to continue to avoid that awkward scenario. But Ms. Amy, the waitress there, was a doll, as usual. I took Deidre and Megan with me today, and I hadn't been there in two months. She'd asked if I'd been busy, and even after two months of not showing up, she still remembered that I wanted green tea, ginger salad, and chopsticks, and guessed that the food I ordered to take out to Ange was, in fact, for Ange.
My fortune cookie told me that I'd be able to hear some good, written news soon. Didn't say it would directly be for me, but I hoped. Less than an hour later, I got a text message from Sydney that said her grandmother had saved $3oo at the J.C. Penny's store, and that she had gotten three new shirts with Hello Kitty on them. Makes me wonder if that was the good news I was supposed to hear. It certainly wasn't what I had hoped for.
For some stupid reason, I'm hoping again for an e-mail [I blame the fortune cookie]. How the hell he'd know that I went there and spent nearly my entire time there just looking for him, half-hoping and half-dreading for his arrival, is beyond me.
Maybe he just works on Saturdays.
Or maybe his Visa expired and he had to go back to China to play with the pandas.
Maybe I scared him into quitting working there ever by giving him that note. Maybe I've made him begin to avoid that place like the fucking plague because some stupid, scary little American girl became infatuated with him and decided to be an ass, like every American in the world is, and push her feelings on him. What's creepier is that stupid, scary little American girl is still freakishly adoring of him, and has lately been thinking about him almost as much as I did when I first started to like him.
Deidre and Megan said we should go again after I get back from my trip down south.
On top of this, though, now I'm even more worried about getting into college. I was pretty confident, what with last semester's 3.95GPA, and the semester's before that of about 3.8, but then when Ange was talking about taking it and my information on grades on tests and things recently, Mom brought up the fact that the schools would likely want to see all of my GPAs from high-school and average them together.
Akjngadfn;klndfa;ldjfoewingfsd.
No one told me this before. I was informed that they'd only want the GPAs that came from my most recent school. If they just had those, my GPA'd be likely, by the time I was finished, somewhere around a 3.8somethingifyouroundedupit'dgoto3.9. If they had my other grades, though, from homeschool, they might get a good... 3.5, maybe, all averaged out. At best. Mom's all like "Don't worry, that's still above average!"
Even if it is above average, it's barely that. Colleges now want little prodigies, likely, and even more so, what with the economy being in the God-forsaken state it's in. My SAT is about average, and my ACT is slightly above average. It's nothing impressive. I took some AP class tests that I didn't even have to, and I only got a 3 out of 5 on college credit recommendation for my Literature. I got a 4 out of 5 on World History, which I guess is a bonus.
My head is going to explode.
What I don't get is if you only live once, why does it have to be so damn hard? Why can't we all run around and have a great time and live?
I'd like to live. I'd like it a lot. I'd like to, for once, not worry over my grades or my future occupational status or money or stupid stuff. I want to live. Doesn't anyone else? How can people justify 'life' as sitting behind a desk for some tweleve or more years, filling out stupid, mundane information that people tell you to, and then going on to continue doing the exact same thing, but for money just so they can meet their bare needs? I don't understand. To me, it looks like 'life' is the first five years, when no one really cares too much what you do, as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, and then when one grows old and can stop doing what they were and then start living again.
Now you have to almost be dead to get to retire, though.
Sure, I mean, there are some people who get the job of their dreams and love what it is they do, but how often, honestly, does that happen? How often do people honestly get to look back on their life and say that they really lived the entire time?
I really do wonder sometimes.
As a side-note, no relationship I even moderately admire ever seems to last.
On more positive notes, however, I should be finally getting a new phone tomorrow. I hope. I was going to get it on Friday, but UPS was being a jerkwad and wouldn't let Mom pick it up. Jerkwads. But, that'll be good.
Today, before we went to the restaurant, Deidre, Megan, and I went to an art in the park festival/flea market thing. It was pretty fun; there were lots of little things that were neat to look at, but it was all really expensive. They had the oversized Celtic cross necklaces that I've always wanted in one booth, but they seemed to be hand-made and it was far too expensive for someone with only forty dollars to buy. I did buy Ange a five-dollar tiny white elephant plush which she immediately fell in love with. We named him George, but in the Hispanic pronunciation. It is super awesome. There's a white elephant in the rooooom.
I watched Labyrinth on Friday with the two of them on Friday, too. That was fun. I downloaded
Magic Dance and proceeded to dance around afterwards. You remind me of the babe~
We're going to be pretty busy this week. Tomorrow, we're going to go to a restaurant that Megan and I have never gone to before, and then Tuesday I don't think we're doing anything, but Wednesday and Thursday we're doing things. Rummage sale on Thursday, swimming on Wednesday.
Friday, I leave for Mississippi. Then on the third, we're going to go to Louisiana. Sydney might get to go if she gets the time off of work, but I'm not sure.
We'll see.
Dance, Magic Dance~
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Red Sun Rising,
Drown without inhaling;
Within, the dark holds hard.
Red sun rising,
Curtain falling.
Higher than hope my cure lies.
Mmm.
I hate getting stuck in unplesant spots.
This guy who I like as just a friend likes me still and it's been going on for like... Four years. I don't want to disregard his feelings, but I can't reciprocate them at all. Sure, I love him, but in the least amorous way possible; he's more like the brother I just can't get rid of to me.
I've known he's liked me for most of this time, but we just went through these huge gaps of not talking to each other, so I kept on hoping that maybe he'd either find a girl or move on anyway to further some sort of something like education or something equally important.
Nermeen told me to tell him to try to move on, because one-sided love isn't fair for either people involved.
Which is a very valid statement. If he keeps it up, I'll probably tell him that.
I asked Ange what to do, and she said not to worry about it too much, but worry about it just enough. And I'm wondering what that helps at all. I just feel so bad about it, you know? I really do like him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't love him or whatever back in the way he wants me to.
If there was ever a time when I missed waiterboy so hard. Even if it were just to say "I've got a crush on someone else," which, even though I totally still do [whoops.], I haven't talked to him or even seen him in well over a month, closer to two. So that's a little hard for me to explain, and even when the guy who likes me probably read about the incidents on the blog-thing, he likely laughed. He thinks I'm generally being sarcastic. I generally am, but you know what I mean. Even though I crack jokes about everything, especially things that really upset me, they still upset me, you know?
I really do want to stay this guy's friend, but I can't give him what it is he wants. He's a great guy, really, I'm just... Not interested in becoming uh... involved with him? I guess that's a good word for it. And I keep telling him and telling him, but it doesn't seem to go through his head. Sure, he can tell me he loves me, but when he's telling me to kiss him from over 9oo miles away, or even three feet away, he can just hang it up. And he knows it.
At least, I hope he does.
We'll see.
I had this huuuggeee thing about all of this written up for you last night, Alex, but I accidentally backed out of the window, so it all got erased.
Probably for the better anyway. It really was massive and I'd've felt horrible if you'd've bothered to actually read it all.
Haa.
I think I'm about to go into a Nightwish kick. High time I do it. I haven't wanted to listen to just them in a long time. Ah, silly phases.
You know what I thought would be hilarious?
Watching a guy play with a legitimate lightsaber near mirrors [Mirrors reflect, you see].
And then a locksmith locking himself out of his car.
I thought of those a few days apart, I promise. I might make a story character a locksmith who locks himself out of his car. All of the time. Just because I find the contradiction amazingly silly. :D
So, today was the first day of going into a week-long, super hardcore diet with Ange that's supposed to make me drop a bit in just a week. So, I figured it's worth a shot. I got through day one, but since it's also day one of a certain uh... Something, I've been craving every kind of food ever thought of.
Particularly cheese. Cheese dip, cheddar cheese, a sandwich with cheese, popcorn or baked potatoes with some kind of cheese something on them, macaroni and cheese, cheese ravioli, cheese bread, cheese sticks, squeaky cheese... You get the idea.
None of it is on my list of weight-loss goodies.
At around nine-thirty, I wanted it so bad I wanted to start crying. Ha!
But I didn't, and I didn't even have the cheese. I just started playing Yahtzee with Ange. Good distraction, if I do say so myself.
So, day one is through. Six more days to do. [Ha. That rhymed.] I'll be done on Friday, and then we'll see how I'm doing. I figured, though, that the plan would be a good way to kick-start weight loss of some kind, just to encourage me to keep going. I've been exercising pretty good, but there aren't enough immediate results for my amusement, so we'll see how this works out. I'll exercise during the week, too.
Wish me luck.
I got to go to Hobby Lobby today! Ange took me while we went Christmas shopping. :D My favourite store evar. I bought a new sketchbook, two new markers, and a basic set of sewing needles because I realized just a while ago that I had none to go in my little five-dollar sewing box that I got from Dollar General. And I really needed to sew a shirt back together. I still do, so I'll do that soon.
Mom's gone to a nearby hotel for the weekend as some sort of 'getaway' thing that her stupid boyfriend planned. I hope it works for her, I really do. I told her she should go by the restaurant to see if darling waiterboy hates me now, of which I don't doubt [so why do I want to find out? No clue]. She said she might. I really, really, really hope she does. You have no idea. She probably won't, but hey. I can still hope.
It's really hard to find t-shirts and bags with random phrases in foreign languages on them. I'd really like shirts and messenger bags with funny stuff in Japanese or Russian written on them, but it's really hard to find. The best I found was a shirt that said "I love vodka" in Russian, and while I do like vodka, I don't really think that a shirt that said that is quite school-appropriate. It's getting to be dissappointing. I'm tempted to hand Mom's Russian friend twenty bucks and ask if she'll find me a t-shirt when she goes to Russia again. She might would do something like that, but it'd be horribly rude to ask. I've found a shirt that said 'shut up' really rudely in Japanese, but I didn't get it because it wasn't that funny. Silly, sure, but only if no one around you understands what the shirt says.
I guess I really wouldn't have a problem.
I've also found shirts with the hammer and sickle symbol on it. I considered getting it, just because I love reading about the Soviet history, but it'd not mean I supported it. I'm sure some people would mistake my love for the past as my plans for the future, though, and, knowing my luck, I would become the victim of some sort of Communist hate-crime.
I'll stop here, though, because I really don't like talking about myself that much. And it's bed time, because the exhaustion is setting in.
Goodnight.
Within, the dark holds hard.
Red sun rising,
Curtain falling.
Higher than hope my cure lies.
Mmm.
I hate getting stuck in unplesant spots.
This guy who I like as just a friend likes me still and it's been going on for like... Four years. I don't want to disregard his feelings, but I can't reciprocate them at all. Sure, I love him, but in the least amorous way possible; he's more like the brother I just can't get rid of to me.
I've known he's liked me for most of this time, but we just went through these huge gaps of not talking to each other, so I kept on hoping that maybe he'd either find a girl or move on anyway to further some sort of something like education or something equally important.
Nermeen told me to tell him to try to move on, because one-sided love isn't fair for either people involved.
Which is a very valid statement. If he keeps it up, I'll probably tell him that.
I asked Ange what to do, and she said not to worry about it too much, but worry about it just enough. And I'm wondering what that helps at all. I just feel so bad about it, you know? I really do like him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't love him or whatever back in the way he wants me to.
If there was ever a time when I missed waiterboy so hard. Even if it were just to say "I've got a crush on someone else," which, even though I totally still do [whoops.], I haven't talked to him or even seen him in well over a month, closer to two. So that's a little hard for me to explain, and even when the guy who likes me probably read about the incidents on the blog-thing, he likely laughed. He thinks I'm generally being sarcastic. I generally am, but you know what I mean. Even though I crack jokes about everything, especially things that really upset me, they still upset me, you know?
I really do want to stay this guy's friend, but I can't give him what it is he wants. He's a great guy, really, I'm just... Not interested in becoming uh... involved with him? I guess that's a good word for it. And I keep telling him and telling him, but it doesn't seem to go through his head. Sure, he can tell me he loves me, but when he's telling me to kiss him from over 9oo miles away, or even three feet away, he can just hang it up. And he knows it.
At least, I hope he does.
We'll see.
I had this huuuggeee thing about all of this written up for you last night, Alex, but I accidentally backed out of the window, so it all got erased.
Probably for the better anyway. It really was massive and I'd've felt horrible if you'd've bothered to actually read it all.
Haa.
I think I'm about to go into a Nightwish kick. High time I do it. I haven't wanted to listen to just them in a long time. Ah, silly phases.
You know what I thought would be hilarious?
Watching a guy play with a legitimate lightsaber near mirrors [Mirrors reflect, you see].
And then a locksmith locking himself out of his car.
I thought of those a few days apart, I promise. I might make a story character a locksmith who locks himself out of his car. All of the time. Just because I find the contradiction amazingly silly. :D
So, today was the first day of going into a week-long, super hardcore diet with Ange that's supposed to make me drop a bit in just a week. So, I figured it's worth a shot. I got through day one, but since it's also day one of a certain uh... Something, I've been craving every kind of food ever thought of.
Particularly cheese. Cheese dip, cheddar cheese, a sandwich with cheese, popcorn or baked potatoes with some kind of cheese something on them, macaroni and cheese, cheese ravioli, cheese bread, cheese sticks, squeaky cheese... You get the idea.
None of it is on my list of weight-loss goodies.
At around nine-thirty, I wanted it so bad I wanted to start crying. Ha!
But I didn't, and I didn't even have the cheese. I just started playing Yahtzee with Ange. Good distraction, if I do say so myself.
So, day one is through. Six more days to do. [Ha. That rhymed.] I'll be done on Friday, and then we'll see how I'm doing. I figured, though, that the plan would be a good way to kick-start weight loss of some kind, just to encourage me to keep going. I've been exercising pretty good, but there aren't enough immediate results for my amusement, so we'll see how this works out. I'll exercise during the week, too.
Wish me luck.
I got to go to Hobby Lobby today! Ange took me while we went Christmas shopping. :D My favourite store evar. I bought a new sketchbook, two new markers, and a basic set of sewing needles because I realized just a while ago that I had none to go in my little five-dollar sewing box that I got from Dollar General. And I really needed to sew a shirt back together. I still do, so I'll do that soon.
Mom's gone to a nearby hotel for the weekend as some sort of 'getaway' thing that her stupid boyfriend planned. I hope it works for her, I really do. I told her she should go by the restaurant to see if darling waiterboy hates me now, of which I don't doubt [so why do I want to find out? No clue]. She said she might. I really, really, really hope she does. You have no idea. She probably won't, but hey. I can still hope.
It's really hard to find t-shirts and bags with random phrases in foreign languages on them. I'd really like shirts and messenger bags with funny stuff in Japanese or Russian written on them, but it's really hard to find. The best I found was a shirt that said "I love vodka" in Russian, and while I do like vodka, I don't really think that a shirt that said that is quite school-appropriate. It's getting to be dissappointing. I'm tempted to hand Mom's Russian friend twenty bucks and ask if she'll find me a t-shirt when she goes to Russia again. She might would do something like that, but it'd be horribly rude to ask. I've found a shirt that said 'shut up' really rudely in Japanese, but I didn't get it because it wasn't that funny. Silly, sure, but only if no one around you understands what the shirt says.
I guess I really wouldn't have a problem.
I've also found shirts with the hammer and sickle symbol on it. I considered getting it, just because I love reading about the Soviet history, but it'd not mean I supported it. I'm sure some people would mistake my love for the past as my plans for the future, though, and, knowing my luck, I would become the victim of some sort of Communist hate-crime.
I'll stop here, though, because I really don't like talking about myself that much. And it's bed time, because the exhaustion is setting in.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Uh-oh...
This isn't going well at all.
Maybe...
I think we're in trouble here.
Without stating any names, say something to three people.
1. Oh my God, I miss you so much. I'm sorry I'm so afraid. Not like you probably want to see me again, anyway.
2. I wish I could trust you enough to believe you when you say you'll come to see me soon. It's hard, though. I'm sorry.
3. What the hell is wrong with you?
Is your profile private?
They usually are. And if I can't make them private, I don't say much.
What’s something that always gives you chills?
Roaches. Or some of the bizzare things that Ange compares unplesant things to. Ew.
How has this past week been for you?
Pretty dull. Yesterday evening was pretty good, though. :D And I'm not complaining; it beats school.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If they don't want to talk to me that bad, that's fine. I'll miss them, but I'll always be here if they ever want to talk to me again.
How many months until your birthday?
I don't know. It's in September. Pretty soon.
Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
Certainly.
Name the first person you can think of that you know who has a tattoo?
I think Aunt Anna..?
Are you good at giving directions?
Depends on how well I know the area they're asking for. I'm good at drawing maps, though. :D
What’s your favorite thing to eat with Peanut Butter?
Chocolate.
Do you currently have a hickey?
No one likes me enough. xD
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Late spring/early summer or late summer/early fall, where the days are quite warm but the nights are crisp.
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Uhhh.
Just... Tell me? I don't need serenaded or anything fancy. If anyone sat down, whipped out a guitar, and started singing to me, I might laugh.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Actually, yes. For once, I'm not in pajamas.
What was on your mind today?
The difficulties of applying for college classes.
Last person you gave something to?
... Deidre?
Do you like winter time?
Shit naw.
Did you ever lose a best friend?
Only once, actually. I've known my most recent best friend since I was nine, which isn't exactly recent. Of course, I had another best friend at that time, but we're still in touch even though we've grown apart a bit.
Did you ever get shot in the knee?
... What?
When was the last time you burned your finger?
Sunday. xD
Did you ever kill someone?
... Is this a legitimate question?
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Earlier today. Had to make a phone call. D:
What’s the greatest smell in the world?
An old, discontinued body wash smell from Bath and Body Works. I hate that store, but Mom loves it and found that for me. It was called 'comfort.' I have a body spray of that stuff, but it doesn't smell as good as the soap did.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
If they needed the support, sure.
Can you play Guitar Hero?
I've only played it once in my life.
What’s on your bedroom floor?
Dirty clothes.
Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Painfully.
Any plans for tomorrow?
Hittin' up the art shops with Deidre. 8D Score.
Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Not normally. Unless I'm feeling reeeaaallyyy self-concious.
Can you successfully blow up & tie a balloon?
After a couple of attempts, certainly.
Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?
I can hope so, but I doubt it. It'd be great if I ever did, though, provided it was for the best.
Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand?
...No? I don't know. I haven't held enough people's hands. I usually just grab their wrist, though, I think. I haven't held someone's hand in a long time.
When’s your birthday?
2nd September.
Last thing you laughed at?
Some picture Sydney showed me.
Which of your friends is easiest to talk to?
Sydney, Alex, and Kaley. :D
What was the first thing you thought this morning?
"...Why is my computer turned off?"
What color are your eyes?
Supar dark brown. :] They look black in pictures.
Who do you hate currently?
Just one person. :]
What’s your all-time favorite ROMANCE movie?
Uhh. The Notebook, I think. It was pretty funny in a lot of parts. :D
Do you like the rain?
Love it.
Do you want to see somebody right now?
A few people.
Who are you thinking about right now?
Fictious characters of mine.
Maybe...
I think we're in trouble here.
Without stating any names, say something to three people.
1. Oh my God, I miss you so much. I'm sorry I'm so afraid. Not like you probably want to see me again, anyway.
2. I wish I could trust you enough to believe you when you say you'll come to see me soon. It's hard, though. I'm sorry.
3. What the hell is wrong with you?
Is your profile private?
They usually are. And if I can't make them private, I don't say much.
What’s something that always gives you chills?
Roaches. Or some of the bizzare things that Ange compares unplesant things to. Ew.
How has this past week been for you?
Pretty dull. Yesterday evening was pretty good, though. :D And I'm not complaining; it beats school.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If they don't want to talk to me that bad, that's fine. I'll miss them, but I'll always be here if they ever want to talk to me again.
How many months until your birthday?
I don't know. It's in September. Pretty soon.
Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
Certainly.
Name the first person you can think of that you know who has a tattoo?
I think Aunt Anna..?
Are you good at giving directions?
Depends on how well I know the area they're asking for. I'm good at drawing maps, though. :D
What’s your favorite thing to eat with Peanut Butter?
Chocolate.
Do you currently have a hickey?
No one likes me enough. xD
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Late spring/early summer or late summer/early fall, where the days are quite warm but the nights are crisp.
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Uhhh.
Just... Tell me? I don't need serenaded or anything fancy. If anyone sat down, whipped out a guitar, and started singing to me, I might laugh.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Actually, yes. For once, I'm not in pajamas.
What was on your mind today?
The difficulties of applying for college classes.
Last person you gave something to?
... Deidre?
Do you like winter time?
Shit naw.
Did you ever lose a best friend?
Only once, actually. I've known my most recent best friend since I was nine, which isn't exactly recent. Of course, I had another best friend at that time, but we're still in touch even though we've grown apart a bit.
Did you ever get shot in the knee?
... What?
When was the last time you burned your finger?
Sunday. xD
Did you ever kill someone?
... Is this a legitimate question?
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Earlier today. Had to make a phone call. D:
What’s the greatest smell in the world?
An old, discontinued body wash smell from Bath and Body Works. I hate that store, but Mom loves it and found that for me. It was called 'comfort.' I have a body spray of that stuff, but it doesn't smell as good as the soap did.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
If they needed the support, sure.
Can you play Guitar Hero?
I've only played it once in my life.
What’s on your bedroom floor?
Dirty clothes.
Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Painfully.
Any plans for tomorrow?
Hittin' up the art shops with Deidre. 8D Score.
Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Not normally. Unless I'm feeling reeeaaallyyy self-concious.
Can you successfully blow up & tie a balloon?
After a couple of attempts, certainly.
Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?
I can hope so, but I doubt it. It'd be great if I ever did, though, provided it was for the best.
Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand?
...No? I don't know. I haven't held enough people's hands. I usually just grab their wrist, though, I think. I haven't held someone's hand in a long time.
When’s your birthday?
2nd September.
Last thing you laughed at?
Some picture Sydney showed me.
Which of your friends is easiest to talk to?
Sydney, Alex, and Kaley. :D
What was the first thing you thought this morning?
"...Why is my computer turned off?"
What color are your eyes?
Supar dark brown. :] They look black in pictures.
Who do you hate currently?
Just one person. :]
What’s your all-time favorite ROMANCE movie?
Uhh. The Notebook, I think. It was pretty funny in a lot of parts. :D
Do you like the rain?
Love it.
Do you want to see somebody right now?
A few people.
Who are you thinking about right now?
Fictious characters of mine.
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