Found it from a friend on Facebook. Wonder why I added her when I don't really know her that well. Oh well. She was in one of my classes, so...
If I knew more Japanese, I would have used Buck-Tick, but I really don't want to go through all of the frustration of looking up title translations and such. Maybe later, depending on how bored I get. It's pretty lulzy.
Anyway, the object is to fill out the questionairre using only titles from the band/artist's repitoire.
Pick your Artist: Nightwish
Are you a male or female? NEMO.
Describe yourself: The Escapist.
How do you feel: FantasMic.
Describe where you currently live: Over the Hills and Far Away.
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Sahara.
Your favorite form of transportation: Walking in the Air.
Your best friend is: Amaranth.
You and your best friends are: Dead to the World. Alternatively,
Crownless.
What's the weather like: Dead Gardens.
Favorite time of day: White Night Fantasy.
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Higher Than Hope.
What is life to you: Dark Chest of Wonders.
Your last relationship: Romanticide.
Your fear: 7 Days to the Wolves.
What is the best advice you have to give: Live to Tell the Tale.
Thought for the Day: Know Why the Nightingale Sings.
How I would like to die: Slaying the Dreamer.
My soul's present condition: Wanderlust.
My motto: Whoever Brings the Night.
Fun times.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Fields of Butterflies, Reality Escapes Her
She says that love
Is for fools who fall behind
I'm somewhere between--
Never really know a killer from a saviour,
'Till I break at the bend~
I really hate making trips back to Mississippi. It makes me want to stay so bad. I enjoy myself, don't get me wrong, but by the time it's over, I just want to sit there in the car and do nothing but cry.
I usually do.
Unusually, though, I didn't on this trip back up. Reading all the interstate signs that proclaimed 'North' instead of 'South,' as though they were proud of the fact, was quite heartbreaking. Instead of crying, I found relief in simply getting snappy and falling into myself, I suppose. It's a state I've been in lately. Except more tired instead of snappy. But Ange said that it seemed as though I haven't had much to say lately. I really haven't.
The trip was lovely, though. I caught up with two very important people, and I may have accidentally caused one to break up with her boyfriend. Whoops. Oh well; didn't like him anyway. He was no good for her, too insecure and mistrusting. I'm of a mind that there should be some level of trust after a certain point, which there seemed to be none of. Appearently, I was too affectionate with my hugs and latches and her putting her arm casually around my shoulder and looping it through mine. She must have been cheating on him with me! Gasp.
Funny that we're both pretty straight, although I do love a guy who can look as pretty as a girl.
Shows how confident he was in her, the bastard. He doesn't grasp the concept of 'hey; they're girls. They might get clingy if they haven't seen each other in a while!'
Dillhole. Bah.
Oh well. So, I'll send her a text message at some in the painfully near future to see how all of that boiled over, now that I think about it. I asked a while ago, she said it had gone pretty badly, but I wonder if things have cleared up by now. Or maybe they've broken up, in which case much guilt would follow.
I went to go look at LSU in Baton Rouge while I was down there, too. It was a nice school. Big, but nice. I liked it alright, they just didn't quite have exactly what it was that I wanted. The scholarships they offered seemed promising; it makes me wonder what the rest of the colleges out there offer. So I'll keep looking. I want to hit up the colleges in the southeast coast area [Georgia, the Carolinas, what have you], and maybe look into a few on the west coast, whether or not my parents want me to. If the school pays for all of it and it's got what I want, g'bye, babes. I'd be gone so fast. Mom said to go for it, but I think Ange would have a spell. Oh well~
Hung out with Sydney a lot while I was down there, too. That was pretty super. We spent all of our time doing nothing. It was great.
Whatelsewhatelse...
Anyway, I got back last week. Deidre came over last Sunday to give me the house key back [she'd been feeding my cat], and then we went to get her registered for school on Monday [I didn't have the money right then, so I'm going to do that on Tuesday]. I went to the library with Mom on Wednesday, and I picked up my second book for the reading list for AP World History this year. Got one read already, and I should finish reading this one some time this week. I'll write up that one's report after that, and then I'll proofread them some time before school starts, which is the first.
Oh my God, where has the summer gone? Already it's the middle of August. I used to get bored during summer break, but I guess what they say about life being kind of like toilet paper [the farther you get into it, the faster it goes] is rather true. I remember when an hour felt like forever, and now, even when I'm bored, an hour just feels like an hour. Unless I'm enjoying myself. Then it feels like a grand total of about ten minutes.
Thursday and Friday I just worked on languages and read, mostly. I cleaned up part of the house on Friday. I wish I had the motivation to get the place spotless, but I only do when there's only me in the house for a long time. Like... A few days. Last time I had the house to myself, I made and kept the kitchen spotless. Now it's a wreck again. FUN TIMES, I SWEAR.
Wynna put me on Weight Watchers, so I started that on Monday. I get twenty-six points a day, and then there are thirty-five allowance points to use either throughout the week or at big events. I've tapped into about six or so of mine, because, well, twenty-six is a hard point number to keep. As is twenty-five, which I'm about to get to should I lose much more weight. I hope I do. I really could do quite well being at about 17o. I figure if I lose two pounds a week, though, like the average is, I'll get to my goal around Thanksgiving.
Mmm. The Pink Panther theme song is delicious work~
So, I went back to the restaurant the week before I left for Mississippi on a Sunday. I was shaking just about the entire time, but he wasn't there. I think I mentioned that in the previous post. I almost went last Saturday [er, yesterday at the moment], but Deidre is running short on money and I don't want to go alone. So I told Mom today that she should go some time soon.
I'm such a coward lulz~
Had the strangest dreams last night. One of them played up on a fear of mine, and the other was just confusing.
In the first one, it was pretty short [or what I can remember of it].
Mom was on the computer, and I was off doing my own thing for a while. A little while passed, I walked up, and found out that she was talking to Sydney. I really didn't mind, aside from the fact it always feels like she's trying to steal my friends away from me [Nermeen, for example], so I started kind of reading over her shoulder. After all, Sydney's my best friend, and Mom's well... Mom. I can read over her shoulder. Not much reason I couldn't. Come to find out though, that Sydney had been venting some of her frustrations to Mom, which does not fly with me at all.
Just the thought of her trusting Mom over me sent me flying. I went into a rage and then I promptly woke up, simply because of how distressing the entire situation seemed in my mind, I imagine.
The second dream was a little longer.
I was in my old house; the one back in Mississippi.
Some dude had some sort of vendetta against me for reasons unbeknownst to me, and wound up coming into the kitchen, which was where I was. I think I was making ramen or something. Anyway, the guy comes up to me and just starts yelling at me, and I'm just kind of standing there, turned away from my cooking whatever, kind of all 'uhhh.' So he somehow gets me to the floor and, here comes the really weird part because of what happened later, he winds up jabbing a hole into my stomach and takes out the intestines. Go figure how I'm still alive three hours later, right? I think my brain was focusing on the fact that disembowelment was a long way to die, and focused less on the fact that it hurt like hell and I wouldn't stand a chance if it was all taken out the way it was. Anyway, he leaves, and here I am walking around with a sort of bloody shirt. My brain wasn't even focusing on the fact that it was a bloody way to go. I go change shirts, though, because mine's kind of ruined now, and I go into the living room, where Mom and Wynna are. At this point, I say something like "Hey, guys, some dude just disemboweled me. Do you think we can go to the emergency room?"
needless to say, they both agreed and piled me up in the car, Mom driving. We get up to the main road from the neighborhood I'm living in, and all of the sudden, Mom says "OHWAIT I FORGOT WE NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE BEFORE WE GO TO THE E.R.." Wynna's in the passenger seat, flipping out, but I'm sitting in back, feeling just slightly uncomfortable [not in pain, just feeling like... part of me's missing. {ORLY}] So, Mom takes us to some conference area, and it turns out some couple is getting married. I look over at Wynna after a while, and I ask if we can go any time soon, because I'm starting to not feel well at all. Still not in pain, just growing more and more uncomfortable. Wynna's freaking out and tells me we will quite soon, then looks over at Mom and says we really need to leave. She's kind of freaking out. Mom looks around and looks rather upset and says "BUT THEN AFTER THIS IS THE RECEPTION AND THEN SO AND SO ARE GETTING MARRIED, TOO."
Wynna started chewing Mom out, and I start feeling naucious, so I escape to the bathroom and proceed to have what can't go down in my stomach [because there's nothing past there anymore, really] come back up.
Some time after that, I woke up, still having not gone to the hospital. Ugh.
Really, of all the things for Mom to do. I told Mom when she got here today, and she was laughing but said it made her feel so bad. She promised that if anyone ever disemboweled me, though, she'd take me to the emergency room.
I appriciated the thought. :]
Is for fools who fall behind
I'm somewhere between--
Never really know a killer from a saviour,
'Till I break at the bend~
I really hate making trips back to Mississippi. It makes me want to stay so bad. I enjoy myself, don't get me wrong, but by the time it's over, I just want to sit there in the car and do nothing but cry.
I usually do.
Unusually, though, I didn't on this trip back up. Reading all the interstate signs that proclaimed 'North' instead of 'South,' as though they were proud of the fact, was quite heartbreaking. Instead of crying, I found relief in simply getting snappy and falling into myself, I suppose. It's a state I've been in lately. Except more tired instead of snappy. But Ange said that it seemed as though I haven't had much to say lately. I really haven't.
The trip was lovely, though. I caught up with two very important people, and I may have accidentally caused one to break up with her boyfriend. Whoops. Oh well; didn't like him anyway. He was no good for her, too insecure and mistrusting. I'm of a mind that there should be some level of trust after a certain point, which there seemed to be none of. Appearently, I was too affectionate with my hugs and latches and her putting her arm casually around my shoulder and looping it through mine. She must have been cheating on him with me! Gasp.
Funny that we're both pretty straight, although I do love a guy who can look as pretty as a girl.
Shows how confident he was in her, the bastard. He doesn't grasp the concept of 'hey; they're girls. They might get clingy if they haven't seen each other in a while!'
Dillhole. Bah.
Oh well. So, I'll send her a text message at some in the painfully near future to see how all of that boiled over, now that I think about it. I asked a while ago, she said it had gone pretty badly, but I wonder if things have cleared up by now. Or maybe they've broken up, in which case much guilt would follow.
I went to go look at LSU in Baton Rouge while I was down there, too. It was a nice school. Big, but nice. I liked it alright, they just didn't quite have exactly what it was that I wanted. The scholarships they offered seemed promising; it makes me wonder what the rest of the colleges out there offer. So I'll keep looking. I want to hit up the colleges in the southeast coast area [Georgia, the Carolinas, what have you], and maybe look into a few on the west coast, whether or not my parents want me to. If the school pays for all of it and it's got what I want, g'bye, babes. I'd be gone so fast. Mom said to go for it, but I think Ange would have a spell. Oh well~
Hung out with Sydney a lot while I was down there, too. That was pretty super. We spent all of our time doing nothing. It was great.
Whatelsewhatelse...
Anyway, I got back last week. Deidre came over last Sunday to give me the house key back [she'd been feeding my cat], and then we went to get her registered for school on Monday [I didn't have the money right then, so I'm going to do that on Tuesday]. I went to the library with Mom on Wednesday, and I picked up my second book for the reading list for AP World History this year. Got one read already, and I should finish reading this one some time this week. I'll write up that one's report after that, and then I'll proofread them some time before school starts, which is the first.
Oh my God, where has the summer gone? Already it's the middle of August. I used to get bored during summer break, but I guess what they say about life being kind of like toilet paper [the farther you get into it, the faster it goes] is rather true. I remember when an hour felt like forever, and now, even when I'm bored, an hour just feels like an hour. Unless I'm enjoying myself. Then it feels like a grand total of about ten minutes.
Thursday and Friday I just worked on languages and read, mostly. I cleaned up part of the house on Friday. I wish I had the motivation to get the place spotless, but I only do when there's only me in the house for a long time. Like... A few days. Last time I had the house to myself, I made and kept the kitchen spotless. Now it's a wreck again. FUN TIMES, I SWEAR.
Wynna put me on Weight Watchers, so I started that on Monday. I get twenty-six points a day, and then there are thirty-five allowance points to use either throughout the week or at big events. I've tapped into about six or so of mine, because, well, twenty-six is a hard point number to keep. As is twenty-five, which I'm about to get to should I lose much more weight. I hope I do. I really could do quite well being at about 17o. I figure if I lose two pounds a week, though, like the average is, I'll get to my goal around Thanksgiving.
Mmm. The Pink Panther theme song is delicious work~
So, I went back to the restaurant the week before I left for Mississippi on a Sunday. I was shaking just about the entire time, but he wasn't there. I think I mentioned that in the previous post. I almost went last Saturday [er, yesterday at the moment], but Deidre is running short on money and I don't want to go alone. So I told Mom today that she should go some time soon.
I'm such a coward lulz~
Had the strangest dreams last night. One of them played up on a fear of mine, and the other was just confusing.
In the first one, it was pretty short [or what I can remember of it].
Mom was on the computer, and I was off doing my own thing for a while. A little while passed, I walked up, and found out that she was talking to Sydney. I really didn't mind, aside from the fact it always feels like she's trying to steal my friends away from me [Nermeen, for example], so I started kind of reading over her shoulder. After all, Sydney's my best friend, and Mom's well... Mom. I can read over her shoulder. Not much reason I couldn't. Come to find out though, that Sydney had been venting some of her frustrations to Mom, which does not fly with me at all.
Just the thought of her trusting Mom over me sent me flying. I went into a rage and then I promptly woke up, simply because of how distressing the entire situation seemed in my mind, I imagine.
The second dream was a little longer.
I was in my old house; the one back in Mississippi.
Some dude had some sort of vendetta against me for reasons unbeknownst to me, and wound up coming into the kitchen, which was where I was. I think I was making ramen or something. Anyway, the guy comes up to me and just starts yelling at me, and I'm just kind of standing there, turned away from my cooking whatever, kind of all 'uhhh.' So he somehow gets me to the floor and, here comes the really weird part because of what happened later, he winds up jabbing a hole into my stomach and takes out the intestines. Go figure how I'm still alive three hours later, right? I think my brain was focusing on the fact that disembowelment was a long way to die, and focused less on the fact that it hurt like hell and I wouldn't stand a chance if it was all taken out the way it was. Anyway, he leaves, and here I am walking around with a sort of bloody shirt. My brain wasn't even focusing on the fact that it was a bloody way to go. I go change shirts, though, because mine's kind of ruined now, and I go into the living room, where Mom and Wynna are. At this point, I say something like "Hey, guys, some dude just disemboweled me. Do you think we can go to the emergency room?"
needless to say, they both agreed and piled me up in the car, Mom driving. We get up to the main road from the neighborhood I'm living in, and all of the sudden, Mom says "OHWAIT I FORGOT WE NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE BEFORE WE GO TO THE E.R.." Wynna's in the passenger seat, flipping out, but I'm sitting in back, feeling just slightly uncomfortable [not in pain, just feeling like... part of me's missing. {ORLY}] So, Mom takes us to some conference area, and it turns out some couple is getting married. I look over at Wynna after a while, and I ask if we can go any time soon, because I'm starting to not feel well at all. Still not in pain, just growing more and more uncomfortable. Wynna's freaking out and tells me we will quite soon, then looks over at Mom and says we really need to leave. She's kind of freaking out. Mom looks around and looks rather upset and says "BUT THEN AFTER THIS IS THE RECEPTION AND THEN SO AND SO ARE GETTING MARRIED, TOO."
Wynna started chewing Mom out, and I start feeling naucious, so I escape to the bathroom and proceed to have what can't go down in my stomach [because there's nothing past there anymore, really] come back up.
Some time after that, I woke up, still having not gone to the hospital. Ugh.
Really, of all the things for Mom to do. I told Mom when she got here today, and she was laughing but said it made her feel so bad. She promised that if anyone ever disemboweled me, though, she'd take me to the emergency room.
I appriciated the thought. :]
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Come, someone, make my heavy heart light;
It all starts with a lullabye.
So, I went to the restaurant today.
I was shaking when I walked in. I thought his car was there, but I'm beginning to think that it might not be his car, but whoever's he's related to in there. I shook for a solid ten minutes until I realised something.
He wasn't there.
A bullet dodged.
But also a bullet taken. I wanted him to at least be there so he could spend his entire time avoiding me or something. At the same time, I also wanted him to not be there, as to continue to avoid that awkward scenario. But Ms. Amy, the waitress there, was a doll, as usual. I took Deidre and Megan with me today, and I hadn't been there in two months. She'd asked if I'd been busy, and even after two months of not showing up, she still remembered that I wanted green tea, ginger salad, and chopsticks, and guessed that the food I ordered to take out to Ange was, in fact, for Ange.
My fortune cookie told me that I'd be able to hear some good, written news soon. Didn't say it would directly be for me, but I hoped. Less than an hour later, I got a text message from Sydney that said her grandmother had saved $3oo at the J.C. Penny's store, and that she had gotten three new shirts with Hello Kitty on them. Makes me wonder if that was the good news I was supposed to hear. It certainly wasn't what I had hoped for.
For some stupid reason, I'm hoping again for an e-mail [I blame the fortune cookie]. How the hell he'd know that I went there and spent nearly my entire time there just looking for him, half-hoping and half-dreading for his arrival, is beyond me.
Maybe he just works on Saturdays.
Or maybe his Visa expired and he had to go back to China to play with the pandas.
Maybe I scared him into quitting working there ever by giving him that note. Maybe I've made him begin to avoid that place like the fucking plague because some stupid, scary little American girl became infatuated with him and decided to be an ass, like every American in the world is, and push her feelings on him. What's creepier is that stupid, scary little American girl is still freakishly adoring of him, and has lately been thinking about him almost as much as I did when I first started to like him.
Deidre and Megan said we should go again after I get back from my trip down south.
On top of this, though, now I'm even more worried about getting into college. I was pretty confident, what with last semester's 3.95GPA, and the semester's before that of about 3.8, but then when Ange was talking about taking it and my information on grades on tests and things recently, Mom brought up the fact that the schools would likely want to see all of my GPAs from high-school and average them together.
Akjngadfn;klndfa;ldjfoewingfsd.
No one told me this before. I was informed that they'd only want the GPAs that came from my most recent school. If they just had those, my GPA'd be likely, by the time I was finished, somewhere around a 3.8somethingifyouroundedupit'dgoto3.9. If they had my other grades, though, from homeschool, they might get a good... 3.5, maybe, all averaged out. At best. Mom's all like "Don't worry, that's still above average!"
Even if it is above average, it's barely that. Colleges now want little prodigies, likely, and even more so, what with the economy being in the God-forsaken state it's in. My SAT is about average, and my ACT is slightly above average. It's nothing impressive. I took some AP class tests that I didn't even have to, and I only got a 3 out of 5 on college credit recommendation for my Literature. I got a 4 out of 5 on World History, which I guess is a bonus.
My head is going to explode.
What I don't get is if you only live once, why does it have to be so damn hard? Why can't we all run around and have a great time and live?
I'd like to live. I'd like it a lot. I'd like to, for once, not worry over my grades or my future occupational status or money or stupid stuff. I want to live. Doesn't anyone else? How can people justify 'life' as sitting behind a desk for some tweleve or more years, filling out stupid, mundane information that people tell you to, and then going on to continue doing the exact same thing, but for money just so they can meet their bare needs? I don't understand. To me, it looks like 'life' is the first five years, when no one really cares too much what you do, as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, and then when one grows old and can stop doing what they were and then start living again.
Now you have to almost be dead to get to retire, though.
Sure, I mean, there are some people who get the job of their dreams and love what it is they do, but how often, honestly, does that happen? How often do people honestly get to look back on their life and say that they really lived the entire time?
I really do wonder sometimes.
As a side-note, no relationship I even moderately admire ever seems to last.
On more positive notes, however, I should be finally getting a new phone tomorrow. I hope. I was going to get it on Friday, but UPS was being a jerkwad and wouldn't let Mom pick it up. Jerkwads. But, that'll be good.
Today, before we went to the restaurant, Deidre, Megan, and I went to an art in the park festival/flea market thing. It was pretty fun; there were lots of little things that were neat to look at, but it was all really expensive. They had the oversized Celtic cross necklaces that I've always wanted in one booth, but they seemed to be hand-made and it was far too expensive for someone with only forty dollars to buy. I did buy Ange a five-dollar tiny white elephant plush which she immediately fell in love with. We named him George, but in the Hispanic pronunciation. It is super awesome. There's a white elephant in the rooooom.
I watched Labyrinth on Friday with the two of them on Friday, too. That was fun. I downloaded
Magic Dance and proceeded to dance around afterwards. You remind me of the babe~
We're going to be pretty busy this week. Tomorrow, we're going to go to a restaurant that Megan and I have never gone to before, and then Tuesday I don't think we're doing anything, but Wednesday and Thursday we're doing things. Rummage sale on Thursday, swimming on Wednesday.
Friday, I leave for Mississippi. Then on the third, we're going to go to Louisiana. Sydney might get to go if she gets the time off of work, but I'm not sure.
We'll see.
Dance, Magic Dance~
So, I went to the restaurant today.
I was shaking when I walked in. I thought his car was there, but I'm beginning to think that it might not be his car, but whoever's he's related to in there. I shook for a solid ten minutes until I realised something.
He wasn't there.
A bullet dodged.
But also a bullet taken. I wanted him to at least be there so he could spend his entire time avoiding me or something. At the same time, I also wanted him to not be there, as to continue to avoid that awkward scenario. But Ms. Amy, the waitress there, was a doll, as usual. I took Deidre and Megan with me today, and I hadn't been there in two months. She'd asked if I'd been busy, and even after two months of not showing up, she still remembered that I wanted green tea, ginger salad, and chopsticks, and guessed that the food I ordered to take out to Ange was, in fact, for Ange.
My fortune cookie told me that I'd be able to hear some good, written news soon. Didn't say it would directly be for me, but I hoped. Less than an hour later, I got a text message from Sydney that said her grandmother had saved $3oo at the J.C. Penny's store, and that she had gotten three new shirts with Hello Kitty on them. Makes me wonder if that was the good news I was supposed to hear. It certainly wasn't what I had hoped for.
For some stupid reason, I'm hoping again for an e-mail [I blame the fortune cookie]. How the hell he'd know that I went there and spent nearly my entire time there just looking for him, half-hoping and half-dreading for his arrival, is beyond me.
Maybe he just works on Saturdays.
Or maybe his Visa expired and he had to go back to China to play with the pandas.
Maybe I scared him into quitting working there ever by giving him that note. Maybe I've made him begin to avoid that place like the fucking plague because some stupid, scary little American girl became infatuated with him and decided to be an ass, like every American in the world is, and push her feelings on him. What's creepier is that stupid, scary little American girl is still freakishly adoring of him, and has lately been thinking about him almost as much as I did when I first started to like him.
Deidre and Megan said we should go again after I get back from my trip down south.
On top of this, though, now I'm even more worried about getting into college. I was pretty confident, what with last semester's 3.95GPA, and the semester's before that of about 3.8, but then when Ange was talking about taking it and my information on grades on tests and things recently, Mom brought up the fact that the schools would likely want to see all of my GPAs from high-school and average them together.
Akjngadfn;klndfa;ldjfoewingfsd.
No one told me this before. I was informed that they'd only want the GPAs that came from my most recent school. If they just had those, my GPA'd be likely, by the time I was finished, somewhere around a 3.8somethingifyouroundedupit'dgoto3.9. If they had my other grades, though, from homeschool, they might get a good... 3.5, maybe, all averaged out. At best. Mom's all like "Don't worry, that's still above average!"
Even if it is above average, it's barely that. Colleges now want little prodigies, likely, and even more so, what with the economy being in the God-forsaken state it's in. My SAT is about average, and my ACT is slightly above average. It's nothing impressive. I took some AP class tests that I didn't even have to, and I only got a 3 out of 5 on college credit recommendation for my Literature. I got a 4 out of 5 on World History, which I guess is a bonus.
My head is going to explode.
What I don't get is if you only live once, why does it have to be so damn hard? Why can't we all run around and have a great time and live?
I'd like to live. I'd like it a lot. I'd like to, for once, not worry over my grades or my future occupational status or money or stupid stuff. I want to live. Doesn't anyone else? How can people justify 'life' as sitting behind a desk for some tweleve or more years, filling out stupid, mundane information that people tell you to, and then going on to continue doing the exact same thing, but for money just so they can meet their bare needs? I don't understand. To me, it looks like 'life' is the first five years, when no one really cares too much what you do, as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, and then when one grows old and can stop doing what they were and then start living again.
Now you have to almost be dead to get to retire, though.
Sure, I mean, there are some people who get the job of their dreams and love what it is they do, but how often, honestly, does that happen? How often do people honestly get to look back on their life and say that they really lived the entire time?
I really do wonder sometimes.
As a side-note, no relationship I even moderately admire ever seems to last.
On more positive notes, however, I should be finally getting a new phone tomorrow. I hope. I was going to get it on Friday, but UPS was being a jerkwad and wouldn't let Mom pick it up. Jerkwads. But, that'll be good.
Today, before we went to the restaurant, Deidre, Megan, and I went to an art in the park festival/flea market thing. It was pretty fun; there were lots of little things that were neat to look at, but it was all really expensive. They had the oversized Celtic cross necklaces that I've always wanted in one booth, but they seemed to be hand-made and it was far too expensive for someone with only forty dollars to buy. I did buy Ange a five-dollar tiny white elephant plush which she immediately fell in love with. We named him George, but in the Hispanic pronunciation. It is super awesome. There's a white elephant in the rooooom.
I watched Labyrinth on Friday with the two of them on Friday, too. That was fun. I downloaded
Magic Dance and proceeded to dance around afterwards. You remind me of the babe~
We're going to be pretty busy this week. Tomorrow, we're going to go to a restaurant that Megan and I have never gone to before, and then Tuesday I don't think we're doing anything, but Wednesday and Thursday we're doing things. Rummage sale on Thursday, swimming on Wednesday.
Friday, I leave for Mississippi. Then on the third, we're going to go to Louisiana. Sydney might get to go if she gets the time off of work, but I'm not sure.
We'll see.
Dance, Magic Dance~
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Red Sun Rising,
Drown without inhaling;
Within, the dark holds hard.
Red sun rising,
Curtain falling.
Higher than hope my cure lies.
Mmm.
I hate getting stuck in unplesant spots.
This guy who I like as just a friend likes me still and it's been going on for like... Four years. I don't want to disregard his feelings, but I can't reciprocate them at all. Sure, I love him, but in the least amorous way possible; he's more like the brother I just can't get rid of to me.
I've known he's liked me for most of this time, but we just went through these huge gaps of not talking to each other, so I kept on hoping that maybe he'd either find a girl or move on anyway to further some sort of something like education or something equally important.
Nermeen told me to tell him to try to move on, because one-sided love isn't fair for either people involved.
Which is a very valid statement. If he keeps it up, I'll probably tell him that.
I asked Ange what to do, and she said not to worry about it too much, but worry about it just enough. And I'm wondering what that helps at all. I just feel so bad about it, you know? I really do like him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't love him or whatever back in the way he wants me to.
If there was ever a time when I missed waiterboy so hard. Even if it were just to say "I've got a crush on someone else," which, even though I totally still do [whoops.], I haven't talked to him or even seen him in well over a month, closer to two. So that's a little hard for me to explain, and even when the guy who likes me probably read about the incidents on the blog-thing, he likely laughed. He thinks I'm generally being sarcastic. I generally am, but you know what I mean. Even though I crack jokes about everything, especially things that really upset me, they still upset me, you know?
I really do want to stay this guy's friend, but I can't give him what it is he wants. He's a great guy, really, I'm just... Not interested in becoming uh... involved with him? I guess that's a good word for it. And I keep telling him and telling him, but it doesn't seem to go through his head. Sure, he can tell me he loves me, but when he's telling me to kiss him from over 9oo miles away, or even three feet away, he can just hang it up. And he knows it.
At least, I hope he does.
We'll see.
I had this huuuggeee thing about all of this written up for you last night, Alex, but I accidentally backed out of the window, so it all got erased.
Probably for the better anyway. It really was massive and I'd've felt horrible if you'd've bothered to actually read it all.
Haa.
I think I'm about to go into a Nightwish kick. High time I do it. I haven't wanted to listen to just them in a long time. Ah, silly phases.
You know what I thought would be hilarious?
Watching a guy play with a legitimate lightsaber near mirrors [Mirrors reflect, you see].
And then a locksmith locking himself out of his car.
I thought of those a few days apart, I promise. I might make a story character a locksmith who locks himself out of his car. All of the time. Just because I find the contradiction amazingly silly. :D
So, today was the first day of going into a week-long, super hardcore diet with Ange that's supposed to make me drop a bit in just a week. So, I figured it's worth a shot. I got through day one, but since it's also day one of a certain uh... Something, I've been craving every kind of food ever thought of.
Particularly cheese. Cheese dip, cheddar cheese, a sandwich with cheese, popcorn or baked potatoes with some kind of cheese something on them, macaroni and cheese, cheese ravioli, cheese bread, cheese sticks, squeaky cheese... You get the idea.
None of it is on my list of weight-loss goodies.
At around nine-thirty, I wanted it so bad I wanted to start crying. Ha!
But I didn't, and I didn't even have the cheese. I just started playing Yahtzee with Ange. Good distraction, if I do say so myself.
So, day one is through. Six more days to do. [Ha. That rhymed.] I'll be done on Friday, and then we'll see how I'm doing. I figured, though, that the plan would be a good way to kick-start weight loss of some kind, just to encourage me to keep going. I've been exercising pretty good, but there aren't enough immediate results for my amusement, so we'll see how this works out. I'll exercise during the week, too.
Wish me luck.
I got to go to Hobby Lobby today! Ange took me while we went Christmas shopping. :D My favourite store evar. I bought a new sketchbook, two new markers, and a basic set of sewing needles because I realized just a while ago that I had none to go in my little five-dollar sewing box that I got from Dollar General. And I really needed to sew a shirt back together. I still do, so I'll do that soon.
Mom's gone to a nearby hotel for the weekend as some sort of 'getaway' thing that her stupid boyfriend planned. I hope it works for her, I really do. I told her she should go by the restaurant to see if darling waiterboy hates me now, of which I don't doubt [so why do I want to find out? No clue]. She said she might. I really, really, really hope she does. You have no idea. She probably won't, but hey. I can still hope.
It's really hard to find t-shirts and bags with random phrases in foreign languages on them. I'd really like shirts and messenger bags with funny stuff in Japanese or Russian written on them, but it's really hard to find. The best I found was a shirt that said "I love vodka" in Russian, and while I do like vodka, I don't really think that a shirt that said that is quite school-appropriate. It's getting to be dissappointing. I'm tempted to hand Mom's Russian friend twenty bucks and ask if she'll find me a t-shirt when she goes to Russia again. She might would do something like that, but it'd be horribly rude to ask. I've found a shirt that said 'shut up' really rudely in Japanese, but I didn't get it because it wasn't that funny. Silly, sure, but only if no one around you understands what the shirt says.
I guess I really wouldn't have a problem.
I've also found shirts with the hammer and sickle symbol on it. I considered getting it, just because I love reading about the Soviet history, but it'd not mean I supported it. I'm sure some people would mistake my love for the past as my plans for the future, though, and, knowing my luck, I would become the victim of some sort of Communist hate-crime.
I'll stop here, though, because I really don't like talking about myself that much. And it's bed time, because the exhaustion is setting in.
Goodnight.
Within, the dark holds hard.
Red sun rising,
Curtain falling.
Higher than hope my cure lies.
Mmm.
I hate getting stuck in unplesant spots.
This guy who I like as just a friend likes me still and it's been going on for like... Four years. I don't want to disregard his feelings, but I can't reciprocate them at all. Sure, I love him, but in the least amorous way possible; he's more like the brother I just can't get rid of to me.
I've known he's liked me for most of this time, but we just went through these huge gaps of not talking to each other, so I kept on hoping that maybe he'd either find a girl or move on anyway to further some sort of something like education or something equally important.
Nermeen told me to tell him to try to move on, because one-sided love isn't fair for either people involved.
Which is a very valid statement. If he keeps it up, I'll probably tell him that.
I asked Ange what to do, and she said not to worry about it too much, but worry about it just enough. And I'm wondering what that helps at all. I just feel so bad about it, you know? I really do like him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't love him or whatever back in the way he wants me to.
If there was ever a time when I missed waiterboy so hard. Even if it were just to say "I've got a crush on someone else," which, even though I totally still do [whoops.], I haven't talked to him or even seen him in well over a month, closer to two. So that's a little hard for me to explain, and even when the guy who likes me probably read about the incidents on the blog-thing, he likely laughed. He thinks I'm generally being sarcastic. I generally am, but you know what I mean. Even though I crack jokes about everything, especially things that really upset me, they still upset me, you know?
I really do want to stay this guy's friend, but I can't give him what it is he wants. He's a great guy, really, I'm just... Not interested in becoming uh... involved with him? I guess that's a good word for it. And I keep telling him and telling him, but it doesn't seem to go through his head. Sure, he can tell me he loves me, but when he's telling me to kiss him from over 9oo miles away, or even three feet away, he can just hang it up. And he knows it.
At least, I hope he does.
We'll see.
I had this huuuggeee thing about all of this written up for you last night, Alex, but I accidentally backed out of the window, so it all got erased.
Probably for the better anyway. It really was massive and I'd've felt horrible if you'd've bothered to actually read it all.
Haa.
I think I'm about to go into a Nightwish kick. High time I do it. I haven't wanted to listen to just them in a long time. Ah, silly phases.
You know what I thought would be hilarious?
Watching a guy play with a legitimate lightsaber near mirrors [Mirrors reflect, you see].
And then a locksmith locking himself out of his car.
I thought of those a few days apart, I promise. I might make a story character a locksmith who locks himself out of his car. All of the time. Just because I find the contradiction amazingly silly. :D
So, today was the first day of going into a week-long, super hardcore diet with Ange that's supposed to make me drop a bit in just a week. So, I figured it's worth a shot. I got through day one, but since it's also day one of a certain uh... Something, I've been craving every kind of food ever thought of.
Particularly cheese. Cheese dip, cheddar cheese, a sandwich with cheese, popcorn or baked potatoes with some kind of cheese something on them, macaroni and cheese, cheese ravioli, cheese bread, cheese sticks, squeaky cheese... You get the idea.
None of it is on my list of weight-loss goodies.
At around nine-thirty, I wanted it so bad I wanted to start crying. Ha!
But I didn't, and I didn't even have the cheese. I just started playing Yahtzee with Ange. Good distraction, if I do say so myself.
So, day one is through. Six more days to do. [Ha. That rhymed.] I'll be done on Friday, and then we'll see how I'm doing. I figured, though, that the plan would be a good way to kick-start weight loss of some kind, just to encourage me to keep going. I've been exercising pretty good, but there aren't enough immediate results for my amusement, so we'll see how this works out. I'll exercise during the week, too.
Wish me luck.
I got to go to Hobby Lobby today! Ange took me while we went Christmas shopping. :D My favourite store evar. I bought a new sketchbook, two new markers, and a basic set of sewing needles because I realized just a while ago that I had none to go in my little five-dollar sewing box that I got from Dollar General. And I really needed to sew a shirt back together. I still do, so I'll do that soon.
Mom's gone to a nearby hotel for the weekend as some sort of 'getaway' thing that her stupid boyfriend planned. I hope it works for her, I really do. I told her she should go by the restaurant to see if darling waiterboy hates me now, of which I don't doubt [so why do I want to find out? No clue]. She said she might. I really, really, really hope she does. You have no idea. She probably won't, but hey. I can still hope.
It's really hard to find t-shirts and bags with random phrases in foreign languages on them. I'd really like shirts and messenger bags with funny stuff in Japanese or Russian written on them, but it's really hard to find. The best I found was a shirt that said "I love vodka" in Russian, and while I do like vodka, I don't really think that a shirt that said that is quite school-appropriate. It's getting to be dissappointing. I'm tempted to hand Mom's Russian friend twenty bucks and ask if she'll find me a t-shirt when she goes to Russia again. She might would do something like that, but it'd be horribly rude to ask. I've found a shirt that said 'shut up' really rudely in Japanese, but I didn't get it because it wasn't that funny. Silly, sure, but only if no one around you understands what the shirt says.
I guess I really wouldn't have a problem.
I've also found shirts with the hammer and sickle symbol on it. I considered getting it, just because I love reading about the Soviet history, but it'd not mean I supported it. I'm sure some people would mistake my love for the past as my plans for the future, though, and, knowing my luck, I would become the victim of some sort of Communist hate-crime.
I'll stop here, though, because I really don't like talking about myself that much. And it's bed time, because the exhaustion is setting in.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Uh-oh...
This isn't going well at all.
Maybe...
I think we're in trouble here.
Without stating any names, say something to three people.
1. Oh my God, I miss you so much. I'm sorry I'm so afraid. Not like you probably want to see me again, anyway.
2. I wish I could trust you enough to believe you when you say you'll come to see me soon. It's hard, though. I'm sorry.
3. What the hell is wrong with you?
Is your profile private?
They usually are. And if I can't make them private, I don't say much.
What’s something that always gives you chills?
Roaches. Or some of the bizzare things that Ange compares unplesant things to. Ew.
How has this past week been for you?
Pretty dull. Yesterday evening was pretty good, though. :D And I'm not complaining; it beats school.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If they don't want to talk to me that bad, that's fine. I'll miss them, but I'll always be here if they ever want to talk to me again.
How many months until your birthday?
I don't know. It's in September. Pretty soon.
Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
Certainly.
Name the first person you can think of that you know who has a tattoo?
I think Aunt Anna..?
Are you good at giving directions?
Depends on how well I know the area they're asking for. I'm good at drawing maps, though. :D
What’s your favorite thing to eat with Peanut Butter?
Chocolate.
Do you currently have a hickey?
No one likes me enough. xD
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Late spring/early summer or late summer/early fall, where the days are quite warm but the nights are crisp.
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Uhhh.
Just... Tell me? I don't need serenaded or anything fancy. If anyone sat down, whipped out a guitar, and started singing to me, I might laugh.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Actually, yes. For once, I'm not in pajamas.
What was on your mind today?
The difficulties of applying for college classes.
Last person you gave something to?
... Deidre?
Do you like winter time?
Shit naw.
Did you ever lose a best friend?
Only once, actually. I've known my most recent best friend since I was nine, which isn't exactly recent. Of course, I had another best friend at that time, but we're still in touch even though we've grown apart a bit.
Did you ever get shot in the knee?
... What?
When was the last time you burned your finger?
Sunday. xD
Did you ever kill someone?
... Is this a legitimate question?
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Earlier today. Had to make a phone call. D:
What’s the greatest smell in the world?
An old, discontinued body wash smell from Bath and Body Works. I hate that store, but Mom loves it and found that for me. It was called 'comfort.' I have a body spray of that stuff, but it doesn't smell as good as the soap did.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
If they needed the support, sure.
Can you play Guitar Hero?
I've only played it once in my life.
What’s on your bedroom floor?
Dirty clothes.
Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Painfully.
Any plans for tomorrow?
Hittin' up the art shops with Deidre. 8D Score.
Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Not normally. Unless I'm feeling reeeaaallyyy self-concious.
Can you successfully blow up & tie a balloon?
After a couple of attempts, certainly.
Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?
I can hope so, but I doubt it. It'd be great if I ever did, though, provided it was for the best.
Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand?
...No? I don't know. I haven't held enough people's hands. I usually just grab their wrist, though, I think. I haven't held someone's hand in a long time.
When’s your birthday?
2nd September.
Last thing you laughed at?
Some picture Sydney showed me.
Which of your friends is easiest to talk to?
Sydney, Alex, and Kaley. :D
What was the first thing you thought this morning?
"...Why is my computer turned off?"
What color are your eyes?
Supar dark brown. :] They look black in pictures.
Who do you hate currently?
Just one person. :]
What’s your all-time favorite ROMANCE movie?
Uhh. The Notebook, I think. It was pretty funny in a lot of parts. :D
Do you like the rain?
Love it.
Do you want to see somebody right now?
A few people.
Who are you thinking about right now?
Fictious characters of mine.
Maybe...
I think we're in trouble here.
Without stating any names, say something to three people.
1. Oh my God, I miss you so much. I'm sorry I'm so afraid. Not like you probably want to see me again, anyway.
2. I wish I could trust you enough to believe you when you say you'll come to see me soon. It's hard, though. I'm sorry.
3. What the hell is wrong with you?
Is your profile private?
They usually are. And if I can't make them private, I don't say much.
What’s something that always gives you chills?
Roaches. Or some of the bizzare things that Ange compares unplesant things to. Ew.
How has this past week been for you?
Pretty dull. Yesterday evening was pretty good, though. :D And I'm not complaining; it beats school.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If they don't want to talk to me that bad, that's fine. I'll miss them, but I'll always be here if they ever want to talk to me again.
How many months until your birthday?
I don't know. It's in September. Pretty soon.
Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
Certainly.
Name the first person you can think of that you know who has a tattoo?
I think Aunt Anna..?
Are you good at giving directions?
Depends on how well I know the area they're asking for. I'm good at drawing maps, though. :D
What’s your favorite thing to eat with Peanut Butter?
Chocolate.
Do you currently have a hickey?
No one likes me enough. xD
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Late spring/early summer or late summer/early fall, where the days are quite warm but the nights are crisp.
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Uhhh.
Just... Tell me? I don't need serenaded or anything fancy. If anyone sat down, whipped out a guitar, and started singing to me, I might laugh.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Actually, yes. For once, I'm not in pajamas.
What was on your mind today?
The difficulties of applying for college classes.
Last person you gave something to?
... Deidre?
Do you like winter time?
Shit naw.
Did you ever lose a best friend?
Only once, actually. I've known my most recent best friend since I was nine, which isn't exactly recent. Of course, I had another best friend at that time, but we're still in touch even though we've grown apart a bit.
Did you ever get shot in the knee?
... What?
When was the last time you burned your finger?
Sunday. xD
Did you ever kill someone?
... Is this a legitimate question?
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Earlier today. Had to make a phone call. D:
What’s the greatest smell in the world?
An old, discontinued body wash smell from Bath and Body Works. I hate that store, but Mom loves it and found that for me. It was called 'comfort.' I have a body spray of that stuff, but it doesn't smell as good as the soap did.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
If they needed the support, sure.
Can you play Guitar Hero?
I've only played it once in my life.
What’s on your bedroom floor?
Dirty clothes.
Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Painfully.
Any plans for tomorrow?
Hittin' up the art shops with Deidre. 8D Score.
Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Not normally. Unless I'm feeling reeeaaallyyy self-concious.
Can you successfully blow up & tie a balloon?
After a couple of attempts, certainly.
Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?
I can hope so, but I doubt it. It'd be great if I ever did, though, provided it was for the best.
Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand?
...No? I don't know. I haven't held enough people's hands. I usually just grab their wrist, though, I think. I haven't held someone's hand in a long time.
When’s your birthday?
2nd September.
Last thing you laughed at?
Some picture Sydney showed me.
Which of your friends is easiest to talk to?
Sydney, Alex, and Kaley. :D
What was the first thing you thought this morning?
"...Why is my computer turned off?"
What color are your eyes?
Supar dark brown. :] They look black in pictures.
Who do you hate currently?
Just one person. :]
What’s your all-time favorite ROMANCE movie?
Uhh. The Notebook, I think. It was pretty funny in a lot of parts. :D
Do you like the rain?
Love it.
Do you want to see somebody right now?
A few people.
Who are you thinking about right now?
Fictious characters of mine.
Monday, June 29, 2009
止めてよ、放っといてよ、かまわないでよ
きずいてよ、振り向いてよ、抱きしめてよ。
I think I hate weekends.
I mean, I feel like I'm genuinely starting to hate them.
They make me feel inhuman. I don't know how, but if anything ever goes wrong, it's on a weekend. Always, always, always on the weekend.
Usually it's nothing even massive, but a bunch of little things brought on to me one after another, gradually eating away at my stability. I feel lower than dirt about now. Can't even really say entirely what brought it on.
Friday.
The world was against me, it felt like. We didn't have anything to put together to eat for dinner, so one of my least favourite conversations ensued for a good spell longer than usual. "What do you want for dinner?" "I don't know; what do you want?" My ear still hadn't popped for a while, I had a headache, and I hadn't talked to Sydney for a few days, which always makes me a little irate, even if just for the sake of going cold turkey on an old habit, not to mention the lack of having anyone to vent at or talk to. The kitchen was a mess, as was the living room. Felt like I couldn't look any one place without looking at a wreck of an area. That added to the crappy state I felt in.
I felt a little better after the pain killers took effect, and after talking to Alex and Sydney for a couple of hours from around ten to midnight, I thought I was feeling pretty good. Alex left at around one, and I kept talking to Sydney until... maybe three or so. At some point in the middle of all of this, right after Alex had left, my ear popped. That was pretty happy.
I went to bed feeling pretty good, slept until ten-thirty.
Saturday.
I woke up pretty happy, even though I wanted to sleep for a little while longer. I can't really justify sleeping after ten-thirty in most cases, though, and I try to wake up around that time as often as possible.
I don't know why.
I go downstairs, and Ange and I successfully did nothing until about two-thirty, when Mom came over. She started talking about her plans for today and how I needed to get re-sized for something because, even though I swore I hadn't grown, she claimed I had "grown around."
...
Thanks, Mama.
I love being told I'm fat. Makes me feel awesome inside.
As a matter of fact, I think we should start making this a trend!
Tell me this every day.
Without fail.
...
We went to lunch, the three of us, my mood, self-perception, and confidence having been shot to hell (like I had much to begin with), so I ate as little as humanly possible (but it was Mexican food. Really. I can't pass it up), keeping myself from overeating. I still wasn't terribly hungry from eating a little earlier, so it was alright.
We go, I get re-sized (and I was the same size, for the record). She buys me everything I look at, so I wound up getting two new vests and some other garbage that I told her not to over do, when we don't have the money. I told her 'no,' but after basically having both Ange and I being told pretty much that she doesn't give a fuck about what we think and she'll do what she wants, I really don't see much of a point in arguing.
It's a huge-ass waste of money, though, if you ask me.
We went back home after a while, and the pendulum for Mom's mood swung over to the negative. She starts throwing her little tantrums and such as the like, complaining at the drop of a hat.
Eventually, though, she leaves, and things start lightening up a little. I still feel like crap, but after I talk to Sydney again for a little while, I start to feel a little better, because after I vented bit, we changed the subject.
I went to bed at around four, feeling slightly better than I did at three-thirty this afternoon.
Sunday.
Oh dear.
We were going to go kite-flying. I threw together some tuna because I'm supposedly the best of the three of us (I personally think it's just because they're the ones not making it), stuck it in a bucket, and stuck it in the bag.
Let's back up.
I wake up around nine-thirty to banging around my room and find that Mom's in there, taking my computer out of my room (I leave it on, playing the music at night to help me sleep) to use it for God only knows what.
I fell back asleep for about another hour, then woke up and went down the stairs. Ate a couple of pieces of bacon, and then went down and got dressed. Then I made the tuna and what not.
We went to High Cliff and found no good place to fly a kite, so we sat there. I was still irritated from thoughts of the day before, so I'm still kind of not feeling my best by any stretch of the imagination. The tenseness between Ange and Mom is pretty appearent today, too. My phone starts freezing up if I try to send a text message, so what should take me about a minute tops takes me closer to five, and likely as not, I have to re-start the phone just shortly after. It's still doing that.
At some point, though, Ange had an epiphany that we'd both gained some weight via a picture Mom took, so starting on Tuesday, we're going to attempt to correct these errors. Or perhaps we'll splurge on Tuesday and then begin Wednesday. Either way. I'm going to strive to do some yoga every day this week, and God-forbid I overeat. I guess that was a positive.
Mom left early, so I went to take a nap, which was alright.
But I've been pretty irritable all day. At some point I got naucious for no particular reason, had a headache, and I just now got over the hiccups, which I'd had for about fifteen minutes.
I feel like an emotional wreck right now.
Not sure why.
I wonder how long it will last...
I think I hate weekends.
I mean, I feel like I'm genuinely starting to hate them.
They make me feel inhuman. I don't know how, but if anything ever goes wrong, it's on a weekend. Always, always, always on the weekend.
Usually it's nothing even massive, but a bunch of little things brought on to me one after another, gradually eating away at my stability. I feel lower than dirt about now. Can't even really say entirely what brought it on.
Friday.
The world was against me, it felt like. We didn't have anything to put together to eat for dinner, so one of my least favourite conversations ensued for a good spell longer than usual. "What do you want for dinner?" "I don't know; what do you want?" My ear still hadn't popped for a while, I had a headache, and I hadn't talked to Sydney for a few days, which always makes me a little irate, even if just for the sake of going cold turkey on an old habit, not to mention the lack of having anyone to vent at or talk to. The kitchen was a mess, as was the living room. Felt like I couldn't look any one place without looking at a wreck of an area. That added to the crappy state I felt in.
I felt a little better after the pain killers took effect, and after talking to Alex and Sydney for a couple of hours from around ten to midnight, I thought I was feeling pretty good. Alex left at around one, and I kept talking to Sydney until... maybe three or so. At some point in the middle of all of this, right after Alex had left, my ear popped. That was pretty happy.
I went to bed feeling pretty good, slept until ten-thirty.
Saturday.
I woke up pretty happy, even though I wanted to sleep for a little while longer. I can't really justify sleeping after ten-thirty in most cases, though, and I try to wake up around that time as often as possible.
I don't know why.
I go downstairs, and Ange and I successfully did nothing until about two-thirty, when Mom came over. She started talking about her plans for today and how I needed to get re-sized for something because, even though I swore I hadn't grown, she claimed I had "grown around."
...
Thanks, Mama.
I love being told I'm fat. Makes me feel awesome inside.
As a matter of fact, I think we should start making this a trend!
Tell me this every day.
Without fail.
...
We went to lunch, the three of us, my mood, self-perception, and confidence having been shot to hell (like I had much to begin with), so I ate as little as humanly possible (but it was Mexican food. Really. I can't pass it up), keeping myself from overeating. I still wasn't terribly hungry from eating a little earlier, so it was alright.
We go, I get re-sized (and I was the same size, for the record). She buys me everything I look at, so I wound up getting two new vests and some other garbage that I told her not to over do, when we don't have the money. I told her 'no,' but after basically having both Ange and I being told pretty much that she doesn't give a fuck about what we think and she'll do what she wants, I really don't see much of a point in arguing.
It's a huge-ass waste of money, though, if you ask me.
We went back home after a while, and the pendulum for Mom's mood swung over to the negative. She starts throwing her little tantrums and such as the like, complaining at the drop of a hat.
Eventually, though, she leaves, and things start lightening up a little. I still feel like crap, but after I talk to Sydney again for a little while, I start to feel a little better, because after I vented bit, we changed the subject.
I went to bed at around four, feeling slightly better than I did at three-thirty this afternoon.
Sunday.
Oh dear.
We were going to go kite-flying. I threw together some tuna because I'm supposedly the best of the three of us (I personally think it's just because they're the ones not making it), stuck it in a bucket, and stuck it in the bag.
Let's back up.
I wake up around nine-thirty to banging around my room and find that Mom's in there, taking my computer out of my room (I leave it on, playing the music at night to help me sleep) to use it for God only knows what.
I fell back asleep for about another hour, then woke up and went down the stairs. Ate a couple of pieces of bacon, and then went down and got dressed. Then I made the tuna and what not.
We went to High Cliff and found no good place to fly a kite, so we sat there. I was still irritated from thoughts of the day before, so I'm still kind of not feeling my best by any stretch of the imagination. The tenseness between Ange and Mom is pretty appearent today, too. My phone starts freezing up if I try to send a text message, so what should take me about a minute tops takes me closer to five, and likely as not, I have to re-start the phone just shortly after. It's still doing that.
At some point, though, Ange had an epiphany that we'd both gained some weight via a picture Mom took, so starting on Tuesday, we're going to attempt to correct these errors. Or perhaps we'll splurge on Tuesday and then begin Wednesday. Either way. I'm going to strive to do some yoga every day this week, and God-forbid I overeat. I guess that was a positive.
Mom left early, so I went to take a nap, which was alright.
But I've been pretty irritable all day. At some point I got naucious for no particular reason, had a headache, and I just now got over the hiccups, which I'd had for about fifteen minutes.
I feel like an emotional wreck right now.
Not sure why.
I wonder how long it will last...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Dreams unwind, love's a state of mind.
"1oo Truths"
1. Full name → Over the internet, it may as well be D'mitriya Kazimirevna Vasilieva
2. Nickname(s)→ D'ma, Mitya, Nannon, Rhi/Rhii, Banana, Nanner, Rinnin, Monkey, Monkey-Toes, Ghostfish, etc...
3. Zodiac sign → Virgo
4. Male or female → Female
5. Elementary → Varied
6. Middle School → Varied
7. High School → Varied
8. Hair color → Red
9. Long or short hair → Quite short/shaggy.
10. Loud or Quiet → Depends on how comfortable I am with the people I'm with and where we are. Usually pretty quiet, though.
11. Sweats or Jeans → Jeans
12. Phone or Camera → Phone
13. Health freak → Yes
14. Smoke or Drink? → Neither
15. Do you have a crush on someone → Almost over it.
16. Eat or Drink → Both.
17. Piercings → Ears, half-considering snake bites but I doubt it'll happen.
18. Tattoos? → No, thanks.
19. Been in an airplane → Yes.
20. Been in a relationship → No.
21. Been in a car accident → Yes.
22. Been in a fist fight → No.
FIRSTS:
23. First piercing → Ears
24. First best friend → Belle
25. First award → Can't remember.
26. First crush → A Chinese waiter. I was three or so, before I even knew I had a 'crush.' Pretty ironic.
28. First big vacation → Disneyland! I was five.
LASTS:
29. Last person you talked to → Ange
30. Last person you texted → Leah
31. Last person you watched a movie with → Ange
32. Last food you ate → A cheeseburger
33. Last movie you watched → Happy Feet
34. Last song you listened to → Yuuwaku - BUCK-TICK
35. Last thing you bought → A shirt and a couple of gifts.
36. Last person you hugged → I think Mom?
FAVES:
37. Food → Anything foreign.
38. Drinks → Mostly juices, milk, or water.
39. Clothing → The covering/comfortable kind. The brighter the colours, the better.
40. Books → One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, 1984, Animal Farm, The Brothers Karamazov, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Howl's Moving Castle
41. Music → I like a lot, but my favourite people are BUCK-TICK, Loreena McKennitt, Miyavi, Nightwish, and Emily Loizeau
42. Flower → Daffodils
43. Colors → Teal, purple, black, and silver. All together, preferably.
44. Movies → Not many. I like Will Smith, though. :]
45. Hobby → Drawing, Piano
46. Subjects → Foreign languages, world history, sociology
LAST YEAR.....
I've ______
X = yes
47. [] kissed in the snow
48. [x] celebrated Halloween
49. [] had your heart broken
50. [] went over the minutes on your cell phone
51. [x] someone questioned your sexual orientation
52. [] came out of the closet [Do you assume everyone is gay? I'm not opposed to it, but girls are kind of icky.]
53. [] gotten pregnant [Lmao. How?]
54. [] had an abortion [I should check this one for the laughs, considering the previous question.]
55. [x] done something you've regretted
56. [] broken a promise
57. [x] hid a secret
58. [x] pretended to be happy
59. [x] met someone who changed your life
60. [] pretended to be sick
61. [] left the country
62. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
63. [x] cried over the silliest thing
64. [] ran a mile
65. [x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
66. [x] stayed single the whole year
CURRENTLY:
67. Eating → Ate a cheeseburger just a minute ago.
68. Drinking → Water
69. I'm about to → Go take a nap
70. Listening to → Rhapsody in Blue - Glenn Miller
71. Plans for today → Sleep
72. Waiting for → To talk to Sydney again.
YOUR FUTURE:
73. Want kids?→ No.
74. Want to get married? → We'll see. Depends.
75. Careers in mind → Translator, artist on the side
76. Lips or eyes → Eyes
77. Shorter or taller? → Either.
78. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneous, maybe with a dash of romance, but don't overdo it.
79. Nice stomach or nice arms → Stomach. * O* Toned stomachs are quite nice. Arms are good, too, but if I had to choose?
80. Looks or personality → Shan't lie: Initially, looks, and then later on personality. I'm a very shallow being in the beginning of a crush, though. The more androgynous, the better.
81. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship.
82. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Hesitant, maybe the occasional touch of trouble, but I probably need another goody-goody like myself. Or someone I can make a difference in.
HAVE YOU EVER:
83. Lost glasses/contacts → No. Those things are too expensive to lose.
84. Ran away from home → No.
85. Killed someone → No.
87. Been on a plane → Yes.
88. Been arrested → No.
89. Cried when someone died → Of course.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself → Not at all.
91. Miracles → Few and far between, but yes.
92. Wishes → No.
93. Heaven → Yes.
94. Santa Claus → The idea that sparks him, of general good will and wanting to give gifts, sure. The man himself? Not particularly.
95. Kissing in public → Within reason, and with good explanation.
96. Holding hands in public → Sure.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Not really.
98. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → Might be in about a year. Until then.
99. Do you believe in God → Yes.
100. Post as 100 truths → Well, some things were somewhat edited, such as my name, but otherwise, it's generally true.
1. Full name → Over the internet, it may as well be D'mitriya Kazimirevna Vasilieva
2. Nickname(s)→ D'ma, Mitya, Nannon, Rhi/Rhii, Banana, Nanner, Rinnin, Monkey, Monkey-Toes, Ghostfish, etc...
3. Zodiac sign → Virgo
4. Male or female → Female
5. Elementary → Varied
6. Middle School → Varied
7. High School → Varied
8. Hair color → Red
9. Long or short hair → Quite short/shaggy.
10. Loud or Quiet → Depends on how comfortable I am with the people I'm with and where we are. Usually pretty quiet, though.
11. Sweats or Jeans → Jeans
12. Phone or Camera → Phone
13. Health freak → Yes
14. Smoke or Drink? → Neither
15. Do you have a crush on someone → Almost over it.
16. Eat or Drink → Both.
17. Piercings → Ears, half-considering snake bites but I doubt it'll happen.
18. Tattoos? → No, thanks.
19. Been in an airplane → Yes.
20. Been in a relationship → No.
21. Been in a car accident → Yes.
22. Been in a fist fight → No.
FIRSTS:
23. First piercing → Ears
24. First best friend → Belle
25. First award → Can't remember.
26. First crush → A Chinese waiter. I was three or so, before I even knew I had a 'crush.' Pretty ironic.
28. First big vacation → Disneyland! I was five.
LASTS:
29. Last person you talked to → Ange
30. Last person you texted → Leah
31. Last person you watched a movie with → Ange
32. Last food you ate → A cheeseburger
33. Last movie you watched → Happy Feet
34. Last song you listened to → Yuuwaku - BUCK-TICK
35. Last thing you bought → A shirt and a couple of gifts.
36. Last person you hugged → I think Mom?
FAVES:
37. Food → Anything foreign.
38. Drinks → Mostly juices, milk, or water.
39. Clothing → The covering/comfortable kind. The brighter the colours, the better.
40. Books → One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, 1984, Animal Farm, The Brothers Karamazov, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Howl's Moving Castle
41. Music → I like a lot, but my favourite people are BUCK-TICK, Loreena McKennitt, Miyavi, Nightwish, and Emily Loizeau
42. Flower → Daffodils
43. Colors → Teal, purple, black, and silver. All together, preferably.
44. Movies → Not many. I like Will Smith, though. :]
45. Hobby → Drawing, Piano
46. Subjects → Foreign languages, world history, sociology
LAST YEAR.....
I've ______
X = yes
47. [] kissed in the snow
48. [x] celebrated Halloween
49. [] had your heart broken
50. [] went over the minutes on your cell phone
51. [x] someone questioned your sexual orientation
52. [] came out of the closet [Do you assume everyone is gay? I'm not opposed to it, but girls are kind of icky.]
53. [] gotten pregnant [Lmao. How?]
54. [] had an abortion [I should check this one for the laughs, considering the previous question.]
55. [x] done something you've regretted
56. [] broken a promise
57. [x] hid a secret
58. [x] pretended to be happy
59. [x] met someone who changed your life
60. [] pretended to be sick
61. [] left the country
62. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
63. [x] cried over the silliest thing
64. [] ran a mile
65. [x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
66. [x] stayed single the whole year
CURRENTLY:
67. Eating → Ate a cheeseburger just a minute ago.
68. Drinking → Water
69. I'm about to → Go take a nap
70. Listening to → Rhapsody in Blue - Glenn Miller
71. Plans for today → Sleep
72. Waiting for → To talk to Sydney again.
YOUR FUTURE:
73. Want kids?→ No.
74. Want to get married? → We'll see. Depends.
75. Careers in mind → Translator, artist on the side
76. Lips or eyes → Eyes
77. Shorter or taller? → Either.
78. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneous, maybe with a dash of romance, but don't overdo it.
79. Nice stomach or nice arms → Stomach. * O* Toned stomachs are quite nice. Arms are good, too, but if I had to choose?
80. Looks or personality → Shan't lie: Initially, looks, and then later on personality. I'm a very shallow being in the beginning of a crush, though. The more androgynous, the better.
81. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship.
82. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Hesitant, maybe the occasional touch of trouble, but I probably need another goody-goody like myself. Or someone I can make a difference in.
HAVE YOU EVER:
83. Lost glasses/contacts → No. Those things are too expensive to lose.
84. Ran away from home → No.
85. Killed someone → No.
87. Been on a plane → Yes.
88. Been arrested → No.
89. Cried when someone died → Of course.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself → Not at all.
91. Miracles → Few and far between, but yes.
92. Wishes → No.
93. Heaven → Yes.
94. Santa Claus → The idea that sparks him, of general good will and wanting to give gifts, sure. The man himself? Not particularly.
95. Kissing in public → Within reason, and with good explanation.
96. Holding hands in public → Sure.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Not really.
98. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → Might be in about a year. Until then.
99. Do you believe in God → Yes.
100. Post as 100 truths → Well, some things were somewhat edited, such as my name, but otherwise, it's generally true.
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